What are we teaching people when we say one thing but do another? When you say you’re not going to lend people money, but you allow them to convince you to lend them some. When you say you’re going to stop drinking because alcohol is making you sick, but they pressure you to continue to go out for happy hours. When family members or supposed friends make you feel small, ridiculed or worse, but you still hang out with them and allow the behavior.
Matthew 5:37 tells us “But let your ‘yes’ mean ‘yes,’ and your ‘no’ mean ‘no.’” In other words, we need to say what we mean and then people need to respect what we said even If they don’t agree or like it. If we allow others to cajole us into changing our minds and then secretly resent it, it’s really our own fault. If I know I am financially unstable currently and I allow friends/family to convince me to go on a trip, I have no one to blame except for myself when I come back and I am strapped.
We only get this one life to live and as long as we aren’t hurting anyone (including ourselves) we should live it truthfully.
I know I am not a bobblehead and neither are my friends. Why does it seem lately that some of them are acting like bobbleheads? If you know that 1+1=2, why would you let your boyfriend or husband tell you that it’s 3 and you just go along with the okey doke? These are questions I’m asking myself recently.
Some of my close friends have been “losing their voices”. They don’t know how and when to speak up for themselves. They’re letting situations happen that they would never have allowed themselves to be in before. I’m watching them change into submissive versions of themselves and it’s truly painful to watch.
I’ve mentioned before that I’m divorced and I’m fine with that. I wouldn’t want to stay married in a situation I’m not happy or satisfied with just to be able to say I’m married. Or worse yet, just so I didn’t have to do the work of uncoupling. I’m freer more now than I ever was before and I use my words – all of them! I no longer sit quietly and allow myself to be disrespected. I speak up and voice what has disturbed my peace. No need to bottle up the words inside and hope that a person realizes I’m angry because I’m not saying anything. During my marriage, my sitting quietly meant everything was fine and dandy therefore nothing changed.
Relationships and marriage should be a give and take. Both parties are supposed to do both. If one is always giving and the other is always taking, there’s a problem. And you don’t get anywhere if you can’t communicate and say what is wrong. But then again, what do I know? I’m single and use my words.
About eight years ago now, a friendship of mine came to an end. My friend and I had been very close for over 15 years, or so I thought. Over the years, I was there for her through many different situations: Matron of honor at her wedding, the foreclosure of her first house, adopting a child, separation from her spouse and being by her side when her mother passed away. There were also several times that she needed to get away and I let her come and be at my home for hours and hours. I never complained. Not even when I had other plans or things to do. I also lent her money when she found herself short or in sticky situations.
Fast forward to 2016 and everything changed. My friend started spiraling and not in a good way. She was hanging out with people that encouraged wild spending and cheating on her spouse. I saw her behavior getting more and more erratic and I tried to advise her, but this “wild” lifestyle was too exciting. We started drifting apart. She had started paying back the loan and then abruptly stopped. When I questioned it, she told me that she thought I had given her the money. I was done!
I felt bitter and used for a while but then decided to chalk it up to experience. I never should have lent money that I needed back. She didn’t force me to do anything. I had made the choice myself. When she circled back a year and a half later trying to resurrect the friendship, I hesitated and proceeded with caution. The conversations were light and short. Then came the request for a loan. I explained that I was no longer in the business of lending money. I was accused of not caring that their car was going to be repossessed. WHAT, how is that my fault? I had been right to tread lightly. So, like that, the friendship was over.
In 2022, I did get a welfare text but by that time, I had learned to let it all go. This was a friendship for a season, not for a lifetime. I’ve forgiven her, not for her sake but for my own. No matter how people treat you, you get to choose how you deal with it. I choose to forgive and move on. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to have a relationship with the person that hurt you. It means that you choose to let go of any negative emotions and to grow personally. I learned to have better boundaries in friendships and better still, I learned to forgive myself!
A narcissist is an individual exhibiting excessive self-love, a strong sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy for others. They often have an inflated sense of their own importance and seek constant admiration and validation. Does this sound familiar to you?
I know a person that seemed like an ordinary hurting individual. (In the past, I unfortunately often found myself trying to help or save people, even when they didn’t want help or need saving. My heart for people often prompted me but I’m working on that!!!) Anyhow, this person drew me in with sad stories about their life. They came from an abusive childhood. They are “all about family” and always trying to do things for their family. I fell for it all, hook, line and sinker!!! In reality, this person was trying to ruin a 20-year friendship I have. They were manipulating my friend to believe things about me that weren’t true. This person was talking out of both sides of their mouth. Telling me one thing and telling my friend the complete opposite. I didn’t start to catch on until they kept saying how humble they were. Uh, I’m sorry, do you know what the word humble means? They would brag about how their friend circle looked up to them. I was kept on the phone for hours even though I needed to get up early and go to work.
Suffice it to say that I did finally realize that this person did not care for me the slightest little bit. It was all about them and what they needed. I had to extract myself from the relationship without causing a violent reaction. Slowly but surely, I stopped stroking their ego and started saying truths I knew wouldn’t be appreciated. I asked questions about situations that couldn’t be answered and after a couple of weeks, I was OUT!!!!
Pay attention to the signs. Narcissists can be very clever. They can manipulate you into things and behavior you would never entertain on your own. When you see them for the narcissist they really are, do this one thing: Save yourself and RUN as quickly as you can in the opposite direction!!!!
Just Saying 