Just Saying

Sometimes life happens to us when we don’t see it coming. If someone had told me that would be divorced twice in my life, I would have called them crazy. Yet here I am!

Over the past couple of years, I’ve unfortunately let that fact cause me deep shame.  I felt like a failure/loser.  How could I allow this to happen to me not once, but twice?  I knew in my head that I wasn’t a failure, and everything was not my fault.  Close friends tried to tell me it was nothing to be ashamed of, but I still felt it in my heart.  Life seemed heavy and I felt bogged down.  I felt like no one would ever want me again.

In 2024 I was absent from here and working on myself. I mentioned this in my 3/24/25 post, but I didn’t mention the shame.  I wasn’t fully ready then, but this post is full disclosure.  I took time alone to read and write in my journal.  Over the year, I finally got my heart to line up with my head.  I have remembered the girl I used to be and am discovering the woman I am now. More importantly, I have  finally forgiven myself for the past and am moving forward.  Feeling the shame kept me stuck in the past and reliving it.  Quitting the shame has me looking towards the future with hope.  I finally love myself again!!!

This is a well-known song by Simon and Garfunkel from 1964. I have heard it before during childhood but never really paid much attention to it. It just seemed like a nice folk song but beyond the opening lyrics, I couldn’t tell you anything else about it.

And then, there was David Draiman from the band Disturbed.

While resting in savasana during yoga class, the first soul-stirring notes started playing and then that deep baritone began singing and I was hooked. The music touched my very core, gave me goosebumps, and filled me with so much emotion all at once. I “Shazamed” so I could find the song later.

Later, I pulled up the song and watched the video. Same feelings but more intensely this time.  Tears streamed down my face.  The video was beautiful and made me understand the meaning behind the song. We have so many problems with communication and social media hasn’t helped the situation. As several people have noted, the Simon & Garfunkel version was a warning, and David Draiman is angry because we didn’t take heed to that warning.

David’s voice and range are simply phenomenal. I kept thinking “Who knew that a heavy metal band could sing a song like this?”  Paul Simon told David himself, “It’s your song now”.  How does a cover song end up, in my opinion, being better than the original?  I honestly have fallen down the rabbit hole on this. Six weeks later and I keep watching reaction videos to the song and video.  I hear this song all day long in my head, and it hasn’t gotten old yet. I openly admit, I may have a problem.

I’m just saying…………..

I’ve been gone from this space for a while.  Been going through a lot of things and have not been able to put my thoughts down for anyone to see.

During my absence, I have been getting to know myself again.  Rediscovering who I am. What I like and don’t like.  Giving up FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) and dismounting the comparison cycle. Well, at least trying my best to stay off it.

It has been an interesting journey. Learning to accept myself as I am and not feeling pressured to be someone I am not. Making decisions and not second guessing myself. I am excited for the future and where my life goes from here.

Long after the ball dropped and the last firecrackers had gone off, I was sitting on my bed reflecting on this past year.  So much has happened since last December.  What I realized is that I have learned a lot and grown a lot this past year.  Not all of it was good, but I still learned something in those hard and/or painful times.  The thing is we should always be learning, growing and moving forward.  If we become stagnant, we’re hurting ourselves.  Albert Einstein said “When you stop learning you start dying” and William S. Burroughs said “When you stop growing you start dying.”  Both are true.  We have to use that muscle between our ears or reap the consequences.  I want to continue to thrive in my life so I plan to continue to learn new things, as well as pay closer attention to the lessons learned in everyday life.

I’m excited to see what observations I will have next January 1^st.  Happy New Year!

When I was a child, I looked forward to Christmas because I knew Santa would visit and also I looked forward to reading the Christmas story.  In my teens, I wanted to be around my friends as much as possible doing fun Christmas activities.  As I got older, I looked forward to the Christmas parties and various get-togethers to celebrate with family and friends.  These last ten years or so, I’ve relished giving more as well as being in the moment when I’m with family and friends.  What I’ve realized is that these times will be the “good old days” in the future.  I’ll miss them then so I try not to take them for granted now. 

I didn’t understood why there were people that weren’t excited about Christmas and the “holidays”.  They looked at them as a dreary time of year and couldn’t wait for them to be over.  I always thought people should be happy at this time of year.  I now realize that people are experiencing loss as well as grieving those that have gone on and are currently missing at holiday gatherings.  It never occurred to me that my parents were missing their parents and siblings that have passed.  Everything is not joyful and happy.  There are dark times and a lot of suffering during this holiday season. 

We all have problems and we all have pain.  Even still, I’ve learned (and am still learning) that now is the perfect time to embrace the joy of the season.  That joy is the hope of Jesus.  He is born and he will save his people.  Celebrate today because He is Here!   Christ the Savior is born!  Merry Christmas!!!!

It’s a week before Christmas and I find myself bogged down at work and at home.  Before I can head off to enjoy the holiday with family, there is SO much to get done.  Most people find themselves in this same situation; last minute shopping, sending Christmas cards, baking, cleaning, and on and on.

I found myself watching a Hallmark Christmas movie this past week, while doing one of my many tasks.  I was just amazed at how the people were able to have perfectly decorated homes and also go caroling, make gingerbread houses and be involved in countless other holiday activities while still maintaining a full time job and taking care of a child under 13.  WHAT????  Where are these people because I need to become fast friends with them.  I’m single with no children and barely find time to watch a 2-hour Christmas movie in one sitting.  Hallmark portrays these characters that have high paying jobs and seemingly perfect little lives.  I mean, when have you ever seen one of these characters stuck on an expressway for an hour and a half because of construction?  Heck that happened to me today! 

We must remember that these types of movies are really fantasy and not reality.  Trying to do all these things and doing them perfectly is not realistic.  Those people that strive for this “perfection” will never attain it this side of Heaven.  It’s better to enjoy the real and imperfect, messy holidays with friends and family.  When we reflect upon the time later, will we even notice the imperfections or will we just remember the love and joy?

Tonight was my Yin/Restorative yoga class.  This month the teacher’s class focus is gratitude by candlelight.  It was really beautiful and relaxing with the flickering battery operated candles all over the studio.  We laid our mats down forming a circle around the instructor, and held various poses to open our hips.  Lying on the floor tonight for that hour thinking about things I’m grateful for, I felt full of peace.  My thoughts turned to this Advent season and the hope, peace, joy and love we should be focusing on at this time.  It was a lovely reminder that although life is extremely busy at this time of year, we need to slow down and remember the true reason for the season.

This past weekend, I was able to spend some time with a friend and her nine year old daughter.  This child is so special to me.  She is such a sweet child with a good heart and a strong love for God.  I accompanied them to a birthday party at a roller skating rink.  I was supposed to be there to help keep my friend company while the kids were off playing.  Instead, I was able to learn some things just by watching the kids having fun.

First of all, they were just enjoying each other’s company.  They didn’t worry about what they looked like or who was around.  Instead they threw themselves into the moment and the moment was to celebrate the tenth birthday, skate and play.   Secondly, the children weren’t afraid to try something new.  They had no fear of “failing”.  All three of the older kids started out with skate trainers and with a little encouragement, they were all skating without them by the end of the three hours.  The kids weren’t worried about whether they were able to progress or not.  They were just content to be.

It struck me that as adults, most of us have lost our ability to just kick back and have fun regardless of who’s around.  We’re usually concerned about how we’ll look to other adults.  A lot of us also won’t explore new things because we’re afraid we’ll look “silly” or not measure up to the standards of not just our peers, but the high expectations we’ve put on ourselves as well.    Oh to be like a child and dance (and sing) like no one’s watching – true freedom!!

A few hours ago, I dropped my mom and sister off at the airport for their return home.  They visited with me at my home for 9 days.  It was truly wonderful being around family since I have none nearby.  My closest relatives are either in North Carolina or Florida.   I truly love my friends, but there is nothing like being around family.  As I drove into the departure area, I could feel the emotions rising and tried to suppress them.  Lot of good that was!  My sister said I was crying when I hugged her goodbye and I hadn’t even felt the tears on my face.

I called a close older friend on the way home and asked her if it ever got easier saying goodbye.  She told me it doesn’t but I had already figured as much.  I’m so sad to be separated from my family and yet grateful that they took the time to visit.  Hence the bittersweetness I’m feeling at the moment.  If only I could be like Jeannie and blink and be with my family in mere seconds   But Jeannie was a television show and isn’t real.  Reality is we will have to continually say goodbyes in this life.  It’s not something we like but it’s something we must accept as part of this crazy and wonderful life we get to live.