Just Saying

Recently, I’ve been feeling reflective and a little bit melancholy.  I’ve been moving through the days and nights a bit slower than before. A co-worker mentioned that soon we would be turning the clocks back, and it CLICKED!!!  My nemesis has returned and is again trying it’s best to take me out.  SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is back!!!

SAD has plagued me for years.  I suffer from the most common version which saps your energy and leaves you more depressed and moody during fall and winter months.  I’ve noticed it has intensified as I’ve gotten older, especially after my divorce.  Daylight is my energy source; kind of like that 1960’s cartoon superhero Birdman.  As soon as nightfall approaches, I want to get on my bed (or sofa) and curl up in a cozy blanket.  If I don’t push myself, I can become a hermit during these seasons.  I start canceling plans with friends to veg out in front of the tv or with a good book.

The time to start making a plan to fight this is now!  I start my day off with scripture and prayer.  I’ve increased my water intake and trying to exercise to be well hydrated and keep my endorphins high.  I’m also planning trips that can’t be canceled to get me out of the house.  I’ve told people in my yoga community to question me if I start dropping out of classes too often.  Time alone can be used to enjoy some hobbies that have been overlooked: crochet, working on jigsaw puzzles, and sewing.  Being creative usually brings me a lot of joy.  Having these things in place should keep me going to the Winter Solstice when we will start gaining more daylight, because March is a long way off!

Today commemorates 22 years since the horrible al-Qaeda attacks were made against the United States.  I remember, I had just come back from a wonderful trip to Playa del Carmen, Mexico.  When the first plane hit the World Trade Center, I was at work and we thought it was a terrible accident.  When the second plane hit, we knew it was much more.  There was sheer chaos at work.  Everyone was running around discussing and watching on their computers.  I, on the other hand, was on the phone trying to find out about my family members.  At the time, I had a lot of family that worked in the city and those that had worked in the World Trade Center had retired and were (Thank God) safely at home.  It was several hours before I knew the whereabouts of everyone, and that they were all safe.

September 11, 2001 was a terrible and dark day.  Watching New Yorkers pitch in and help one another during the days and weeks that followed was something that made me feel so proud.  As a transplanted “Yankee” in the South, I hear so many negative comments about New Yorkers being rude, always being in a hurry and looking out for number one.  It was great to see my fellow Northerners come together and present a united front to the world.  That’s what I choose to remember about this day.  Especially now when the United States don’t seem very united at all, I remember the Patriotism that came from such a vile act.  Good will always have victory over evil!

This day, the first Monday in September, is a holiday.  As such, I usually enjoy relaxing with friends and/or family or enjoying a day of television watching by myself.  It’s normally a day of catching up on shows on the dvr.   That was the plan this year.  Instead, I found myself leisurely cleaning, relaxing and reading throughout the three-day weekend.  The one exception was the movie I watched with my mom Saturday night.

As I scrubbed, caulked, painted, dusted, vacuumed and mopped, I listened to podcasts that I was behind on.  I ate meals while reading a book.  I took a break from the computer, most phone calls, emails and social media.  I was able to sort out some things that have been hanging around in my mind. It was a good holiday weekend.  It was different, but I believe I could do this again.  I feel accomplished and relaxed.  Perfect way to say goodbye to Summer and prepare for Fall!

In January 2022, I started having coughing/choking episodes and thought it was because of the dust from the renovations at my job.  Then, I started having them at home and on the weekend.  Due to Covid, I couldn’t get an appointment with an in-person doctor.  Through a telemedicine appointment, I was prescribed an inhaler.  I used it once and the reaction I had after using it ensured that I would not be using it again.

Fast forward to April 2022, I was still having these issues and the “attacks” were getting worse.  I’d smell perfume or cologne and immediately get to coughing and choking.  WHAT???  How can I live in the world and have issues with all these scents?   Finally, I was referred to an ENT and found out I have acid reflux.  It was (and still is honestly) difficult to understand how a scent is causing me to react in such a violent manner when previously I would just sneeze.  It’s all connected, and this is how my body is currently deciding to deal with it.   Although I don’t have the traditional symptoms of reflux, I was scoped, and it truly is reflux. 

I refused to take the PPI’s (Proton pump inhibitors) and antacids that were prescribed.  These medicines treat the symptoms but also have so many negative side effects.  Side effects include kidney problems, nausea, diarrhea and more.  PPI’s decrease acid production in the stomach for 12 hours.  When I mentioned to the doctor that I needed acid in my stomach to help digest food, he just looked at me.  Also, I don’t want to cure this acid reflux and end up with another list of symptoms from the meds that were supposed to help.  It’s a possible carousel ride, going around and around and around, and not a fun one either.

I’ve been on a journey to fix this naturally.  I’ve tried different things and have had some success.  The attacks are not as severe and can mostly be controlled.  I am currently trying another protocol consisting of some essential oils, as well as trying to lose weight.  The point is, I need to have a say in managing my health.  I refuse to just blindly take medicines that help line the pockets of the doctor’s and pharmaceutical companies and can potentially cause more issues for myself.  At the end of the day, I must live with the consequences.

This year is flying by.  Hard to believe, in two weeks, we’ll be enjoying Labor Day weekend!  After that Halloween is up next.  For some reason, after Halloween everything is a blur and soon it’s January 1.

Take time to enjoy the last “lazy” days of Summer.  Do the fun things you’ve meant to do this year.  My summer goal was to read one shelf of books from one of my carts of books.  Don’t ask why I have so many books because that’s a story for another time.  Anyhow, I love reading and I have been working through the shelf and have three books left.  Since I grew up in NY, Summer is June, July and August.  I consider Labor Day weekend the end.  I might not make the deadline, but I’ve accomplished more reading this summer than in the past and I will make sure I finish the shelf before the end of September.

The point is that life is short, and time goes by very quickly.  Make sure that you’re not just doing things you have to do and not having any enjoyment in life.  Enjoy your family and friends while you can.  Do the things you’ve been wanting to do.  Covid reminded us just how precious life is, and how quickly it changes.  If you learned nothing else from it, I hope you learned to appreciate every day God allows you to open your eyes.  That is truly a gift.

This summer, I found myself trying to do a bunch of things and ending up feeling overwhelmed.   This then led to overthinking and overdoing.   It seemed like the more I did, the more I still had to do, and I was trying to accomplish more and more.  I was getting up earlier and going to bed later and later.  It’s what my mom calls “burning the candle at both ends”.  I felt exhausted and finally just stopped everything and did nothing but relax and read.

Realizing that things had to change in order to accomplish anything, I started brain dumping.   This is known as a practice of writing down everything that comes to mind on a particular topic.   I don’t really practice it that way.  What I do is write down things as they come into my head:  tasks, thoughts, etc.   When I have time, I start doing those items and crossing them off the list.   By doing this, I have found that I’ve been able to accomplish more as well as rest more.  Realizing that small steps forward are still moving me in the right direction has been a game changer!  At the end of the day, if I find myself with lots still in my head, I just write it all down so my mind is clear, and I can have a good night’s sleep.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, try it out and see if it works for you.

When you find yourself in a difficult situation, how do you handle it?  Do you just deal with it head on, or do you try to pretend the situation is not there and keep on keeping on?  Perhaps you scream, shout, cry and try to bargain with God and the universe to somehow get you out of the situation?

Recently, I found myself in what’s now becoming a frequent and familiar difficult situation.  That’s a mouthful but I think you get the point.  I wanted to shout and fight at the same time but I knew that would get me nowhere fast.  Instead, I thought I should try a new tactic.  I tried to get my thoughts on the situation out in a calm voice and not display too much emotion.  I think I was successful but again I found the responses were unsatisfying.  Very meh!  This disturbed and unfortunately continues to disturb me.

These last few days, I’ve pondered the situation and believe I’ve found the solution.  I have to change my perspective as well as lower my expectations!  My expectations are that the situation is as important to the other people involved as it is to me.  It’s that there will be a steady stream of conversation.  That discussions will be had and eventually agreed upon conclusions would be made.  Instead I get MEH!!!!!

So, I’m diving into figuring out exactly how to lower my expectations or even to have no expectations at all.  Keeping my peace is way more important!!!!

Why should you celebrate?  Well, why not?  You’ve done something well – Celebrate it!  You’ve survived and lived to see another birthday – Celebrate it!  You cleaned out your extremely messy closet – Celebrate it!  Sometimes, you’ve woken up and managed to get out of bed and get dressed – heck Celebrate it!

Celebration doesn’t have to look any particular way.  Sometimes it can be a big fancy part, and other times it’s a smaller gathering of friends and/or family.  Celebration can be unique as you having a cup of your favorite tea in a fancy cup, wearing your comfy pajamas and watching a classic movie on TV.

My point is that there are always going to be things that are unpleasant in our lives that we focus on.  Why not flip the script and focus on some good things?  Life gets hard and busy and it seems to go by so fast.  We should take the time to celebrate the big and little wins in our life where and when we find them.  It seems like such a simple concept, but we often don’t manage to do it all the same.  Start taking a minute or two everyday and think of something that you want to celebrate, and celebrate it however you choose.  I guarantee you’ll start to see a shift in your life!

Community means “a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals”.    Having community has always been important but it seems so crucial right now!  We were not created to be alone.  Genesis 2:18 says “It is not good for man to be alone.”

I know a lot of people struggled with loneliness during the pandemic.  I, on the other hand, thrived in 2020.  I loved being at home and not having to leave the house.  FINALLY, I was able to work from home and not sit in Atlanta traffic.   I caught up with tv shows and reading and enjoyed zoom calls with family and friends.  It was all great…… until it wasn’t.

2021 came and the effects of Covid hit my life.  I found myself spiraling between anxiety and depression.  I couldn’t visit my family for fear of getting and/or spreading Covid during air travel.  Losses came at a rapid pace.  The news reports were continuously grim.  I started feeling alone and suffering from insomnia.

Enter my yoga community.  This group of 15 women, ages 32-72, kept me going.    The connections I had with these women blossomed and they became my support.  We’re all so diverse in backgrounds, upbringings, and experiences, yet we all come together and back each other up.  It’s a small and beautiful glimmer of how Heaven will be.  It’s true that when you help someone else, you don’t focus on your own issues.  I got my hope back!!!

Find your community and keep them close.

I had several names for you including “The Bank”, but I usually called you Superman.  You didn’t like it, but we would go back and forth and eventually always laugh about it.  You were just that to me!

I’m thankful for the pandemic because it gave me daily chats with you.  Although you always wanted me to figure things out for myself, you gave advice because you could hear the desperation in my voice when I called you.  You prayed for us and over us all every morning without fail. I still called for special prayer requests throughout the day.  It was always comforting to me just to hear your voice when I was stressed out or worried about something.  You consistently listened and occasionally chastised me when necessary.

Family vacations were our jam.  You were especially my partner in crime on cruises and we had a ball!!!!

You always sat quietly at busy social functions, taking everything in – observing.  Even though you preferred to be alone, you were always there when we needed you.  Everyone knew they could come to you because you listened without judgement, heard what was said and would respond directly and to the point. 

I mentioned to you how much I take after you, and I’ve seen so many more ways since.  I’ve missed you so much these past seven months!    I feel like I’ve lost my biggest supporter.   

Happy Heavenly birthday daddy!   You’ll always be my superman!!!